The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night, might be right up your alley.
It's by the folks who to The Onion, and reviews are positive, so it should be good for some chuckles. Here's the blurb:
Being turned into a vampire is the easy part.
Actually becoming a vampire is far more difficult.
In today’s world of vampire-obsessed pop culture, misinformation abounds. A newly turned vampire who looks to movies and novels for answers to everlasting life’s questions will inevitably be reduced to a smoldering pile of dust. So whom can you, a neophyte immortal, trust to provide reliable information and proven strategies for leading your best and bloodiest existence? The Vampire Miles Proctor, editor of The New Vampire’s Handbook. In this definitive guide, the newly turned will find
• a head-to-toe look at your vampiric body: how to harness your new powers to dispatch mortal enemies, maintain your fangs, and embrace your vampirosexuality
• methods for luring prey, faking your way through meals, approaching other vampires, and creating a four-hundred-year financial plan
• tips on acting your “age,” behaving appropriately if you see a human you knew decades ago, and dealing with epic vampire feuds
• essential advice for blending in with the masses, from finding a coven to avoiding the media (and mirrors) to staying on top of the latest fashion trends
• the joy of scrapbooking
Plus helpful online resources, a glyph guide, renovation instructions for emergency lairs, a Ruling Families directory, nightly mantras, and personal anecdotes from The Vampire Miles Proctor’s nearly five hundred years of experience.
$9.99 at Amazon: The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night
If books like this tickle you, you might also appreciate the popular post on Ebooks to Help You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse.